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Kristen Stewart, Selena Gomez Win Kids Choice Awards (350 Million-Strong)

Kristen Stewart Kids Choice AwardsKristen Stewart, Johnny Depp win 2013 Kids Choice Awards

Kristen Stewart and Johnny Depp were two of the film category winners at the green-slime-infested 2013 Kids Choice Awards held at the University of Southern California's Galen Center south of downtown Los Angeles on Saturday, March 23. Kristen Stewart was chosen as favorite movie actress and female butt-kicker of the year, apparently for her physical prowess in Bill Condon's Breaking Dawn Part 2, the final episode in The Twilight Saga and in which Stewart co-stars opposite Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner. Johnny Depp was the favorite movie actor for, seemingly, Tim Burton's widely derided box office bomb Dark Shadows. Jeez, don't kids read box office reports? (Image: Kristen Stewart at the Kids Choice Awards 2013.)

Johnny Depp, who doesn't kick any ass (or crotch) and doesn't break any skulls (I don't think) in Dark Shadows, was bypassed in the best male butt-kicker category. The winner was Dwayne Johnson, whose box office dud Snitch is currently in theaters. (Note: The Kids Choice Awards don't have a best male/female ass-kisser category for, however necessary and widely practiced, ass-kissing is a no-no; ass-kicking, on the other hand, is a desirable, admirable quality to be emulated.)

2013 Kids Choice Awards presenters, performers, and other winners

Besides Kristen Stewart and Johnny Depp, also present at the 2013 Kids Choice Awards ceremony were show host Josh Duhamel (whose romantic melodrama Safe Haven is currently playing at North American theaters), performers Christina Aguilera, Ke$ha, and Pitbull, and presenters Sandra Bullock, Nick Cannon, and Neil Patrick Harris.

If host Josh Duhamel is to be believed, a record-breaking 350 million votes were cast this year by "kids" everywhere. Among those 350 zillion kids' other favorites were the band One Direction (which, like Kristen Stewart, also won two awards), Gary Ross' The Hunger Games as favorite movie and book (and to think that kids these days can not only read, but also watch violent movies about dystopian societies!), Justin Bieber as favorite male singer, Katy Perry as favorite female singer, Selena Gomez as favorite TV actress for the long-gone show Wizards of Waverly Place, and Adam Sandler as favorite voice from an animated movie for his voice-acting in Hotel Transylvania.

Kids Choice Awards 2013: Don't do drugs, always be nice to your teachers

"Kids" (i.e., upcoming adults) are the future and the hope of humankind and the world at large. Katy Perry herself declared as much at the Kids Choice Awards ceremony, adding "Stay safe, stay in school, don't do drugs," while Adam Sandler spared a few extra words of wisdom: "Always be nice to your parents. Always be nice to your teachers."

We're all doomed.

Kristen Stewart image via Just Jared.

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